Thirsty Thirds
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Okay, I'm revisiting this top part to edit at a later time, and apparently this got long. Very, very long. So, here's the reasoning behind my decisions. Russell Wilson can patrol the sidelines, and pass horizontally to any receiver behind him, to emulate a NFL game. From there, the team will have a number of options in the lateral game, and they can also repeat the play with Wilson for better odds of efficient circulation. Richard Sherman's primary objective will be to pick off stray laterals and use his dual-bladed efficiency on both offense and defense to get a try. The reason Justin Tucker is on the field, let alone in a critical offensive role, is so he can take urination breaks in relative privacy in the middle of play, and to collapse on the ball the millisecond he reaches the endzone, as he will be the ONLY one capable of making drop kicks on the team. Khali Mack and Aaron Donald are here to be the defensive pillars of the squad, and force loose balls to change possession. As for other ocassions, like rucks, mauls, and scrums, Khali Mack, Aaron Donald, and Tyreek Hill will be sent to the line. If they are successful and the ball is sent out, Russell Wilson will be able to grab the ball and sprint like a cheetah in heat to the opposite sideline to set up the passing game, or lateral the ball to a teammate. Another factor that can work to this team's advantage is that that the play is NEVER called dead if the ball is dropped. This means even if an Aaron Donald-to-Khali Mack lateral goes awry, (which would be odd, considering Khali Mack's record of interceptions) that the dropped pass could be picked back up and ran into the endzone easily. Back on the very odd case of Mr. Tucker, again. Mr. Tucker here may be forever solidified in a offensive role in this exact diagram, but he can be to Olympic America as Sammy Watkins is to the Chiefs. A versatile player whose role can be modified according to the team's needs. Up 14-7, in extra time, pinned back in your own half with Marshawn Lynch scrambling to find someone who can punt the ball back to the other end and secure victory? In that case, Justin Tucker CAN be moved to a "defensive" role. "Defensive" is relegated to quotations, however, as NFL kickers like Vinateri, McAfee, and others are not characterized in any kind by their ability to bring down someone like Antonio Gates. At best, Tucker could hassle the ball-carrier enough to let Khali Mack and/or Aaron Donald murder him. At worst, he lets the ball carrier by and spots the other team five to seven points. Therefore, Tucker's optimal position is an center attacking midfielder, assuming rugby uses the same formation terms as soccer. A concern often voiced by opponents of letting NFL players on the rugby squad is endurance. This is a rather frivolous worry, yet it does hang on the back of one's mind. While NFL athletes do participate in other physical activities outside of American football, and ones that almost certainly last for over ninety minutes per session, no-one really can know what NFL players can do on a rugby pitch, as they've never been given the opportunity. The counter-argument is that the spurts of all-out energy found in American football average out as equal to the controlled, stamina-focused play of rugby. Humoring this topic of debate is a fool's errand, as both sides fail to account for the variety of situations found in both sports. Nothing can be extrapolated until the players play a real game of rugby, which they most likely never will, with their schedule, and even inclusion of retired players, which is partially the author's fault. (While formality requires me to say Marshawn Lynch is a placeholder name for a undefined running back like Saquon Barkley, my heart refuses to obey that requirement. He is one of the best running backs to ever grace the NFL's existence, and is still in playing condition. He can certainly lace his cleats back up if he wants to, and he can do it to numerous multi-million dollar offers at that.) While this was originally only supposed to cover the starting seven, I looked it up, and five bench players are allowed, with five interchanges. So here we go. Here are the bench players. First off, we have Luke Keuchly. It may be cruel to put him here despite him retiring early specifically to avoid concussions, but between that and me being biased towards Khali Mack as a Bears fan, he'll see a bit less playing time than the starters. The second-oddest decision has to do with Carson Wentz. At first glance, leaving him off is a dumb idea. And you're right. Why would you leave a quarterback that is also capable of catching passes in critical moments off the roster? After looking into it, it's rather foolish to leave Travis Kelce, one of few receivers in the NFL who can pull off a truck, off the team, while a decidedly above-average QB gets in. While succeeding at a slant route into the endzone may put Wentz above a Pete Carroll-led Russell Wilson against Malcolm Butler, Wentz does not strike me as someone that wields the versatile forces that Sherman and Wilson bring to the table. Not only that, but in the same game he made that catch, he was taken out and replaced with the eventual MVP, Nick Foles. Durability is key in rugby. "But didn't you just say NFL players are capable of-" Yes, I did. I also recognize that his season was coming to a close, and his odds of not getting injured were low, because it's the NFL. But he's not on here for the same reason Tom Brady isn't. They're not fit for the type of play rugby requires. While both have top speeds of around seventeen miles per hour, they haven't exactly proven themselves to be comfortable going fast with the ball. Also, when NFL quarterbacks get hit, they are prone to fumbling. Kelce is faster, tougher, and can probably hold onto the ball even if he was hit by a sniper round in the shoulder. Next up, we have Rob Gronkowski. While he did disappear from the NFL along with Antonio Brown, although for extremely different reasons, his vanishing act was put on hold in the 2020-21 season, when he signed with his good friend Tom Brady in Tampa Bay. Coincidentally, we were talking about said quarterback in the last paragraph. And despite being not as far back in the text, we were also discussing Antonio Brown, right? Guess who signed with the Buccaneers? Funny how things work out. He has good hands, aged like wine, and can truck people. You're on the team, friend. Next up, we have Lamar Jackson, aka. Neo Cam Newton. Personally, he's a tad less complete as a quarterback than Russell Wilson, but he's only in the early stages of his career. His legs can achieve an incredible twenty-one miles per hour, but if we were to appoint based on speed, Daniel Jones would be in here. And perhaps he will in the 2024 edition of this, when Lynch really, really isn't coming back.But until then, the Baltimore Ravens' greatest modern offensive asset is part of the team. Finally, we have J.J Watt, a Defensive Player Of The Year winner. We'll get to why he isn't starting, but first, I want you to imagine something. A decrepit lighthouse is located in the Gulf Of Mexico. It has been battered and torn by numerous powerful hurricanes. This is not a story of overcoming and triumph, as evidenced by the collapsing structure, and the tetanus-laced steel. Inside the rusted, filthy room covered by windows tarred through the accumulation of years of muck, two geothermal-powered lights shine. And since it's atop a tectonic plate, the amount of light produced is so large that four lights are needed to prevent a blackout. Two bulbs have already fallen into the Gulf, along with a massive chunk of the lighthouse. Despite their inevitable doom, the two lights shine each night, so brightly even those in Texas and Louisiana can see them from their beaches on a clear night. Those two lights are J.J Watt and Deshaun Watson. Ever since DeAndre Hopkins was absurdly traded for a punter and a third-round draft pick, and Jadeveon Clowney left for Tennessee, those two are the sole reasons that the Texans have won a single game since humiliatingly losing the Cardinals trade. And, despite Deshaun Watson's skill, we already have Russell Wilson and Lamar Jackson. That only leaves J.J Watt as a choice. So why isn't a DPOY starting, while a kicker is? Do two points per try really matter that much, especially if there's no guarantee Tucker will get every try? Well, the diagram isn't exactly set in Mount St. Helens. Different players can and should start each match to prevent fatigue. Rugby isn't football, and requires a slightly modified strategy to reflect that. Perhaps a modified version of fifteen players would solve the weaknesses that this team admittedly does have. The worst part, honestly, is this. A decent coach would rotate Tucker in-and-out based on the circumstances. However, assuming no-one has noticed, our coaching staff in international sports is absurdly bad. This is the same nation whose FIFA World Cup spot was kneecapped by a 2-1 loss to Trinidad and Tobago, of all countries. Therefore, if we don't have people who know the sport in charge, we can at least replace them with people who also don't know the sport, but at least are familiar with the athletes they are coaching. Bill Belichick is head coach/camera man, (ha ha, Patriots=cheaters, I am very creative), Andy Reid is Offensive Advisor, and Pete Carroll is Defensive Advisor, because while he is a good head coach, he is not able to be trusted with a offensive scheme after the 2014-15 season. On that note, we conclude this nightmarish experiment.